Today’s Awesome Lady is Phoenix, who’s quite literally been a loyal reader since Day 1.  We went to the same high school, appeared together in a production of a Stephen Sondheim musical that I, at least, had no business being in, sang in the school choir together, and generally made it out alive.  Phoenix works as a librarian, which she’s hinted to me sounds sexier than it might necessarily be.  She reached out to me in early days of the blog to commiserate over the hell young girls and young women sometimes go through coming to terms with bodies that change outside of their control and in ways they never anticipate.  In Phoenix’s case, these changes were magnified, complicated, and generally turned upside down by illness shortly after she graduated from high school.  She’s Been Through Stuff, y’all, and she has had the incredible grace to offer to talk to us about it, in case there are others out there who are feeling alone and broken and unsure.

Hi Phoenix!

How do you feel about your boobs today?  I like my boobs today.

That’s what I like to hear.  Have you always felt the way you feel now about your boobs?  If not, what changed your feelings?  I’ve gone through phases of feelings about them in the past.  My life is broken up by pre-cancer and post-cancer.  As Sweets mentioned, I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after high school.  I had CML (Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia) and underwent a bone marrow transplant.  It was a pretty rough few years of treaments, setbacks, triumphs, and disappointments.  I’ve gotten to the point now where I don’t think about having cancer all the time, but there are times where the ramifications of it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Anyway, pre-cancer my boobs were just there.  I really didn’t think about them that much to be honest.  During cancer I was mostly concerned about them when I gained and lost about 65 pounds.  I got stretch marks in several places but the weirdest ones are around my boobs.  These aren’t normal stretch marks.  My gyn even commented that she had never seen any like them before and didn’t really believe me that they WERE stretch marks until she examined them more.  She used to work at a hospital in England for women’s cancers.  So, the fact that she thought I was weird is saying something.  (This is the story of my life when it comes to doctors.  I am that person who, if there is a 1% chance that some kind of symptom, condition, or medication reaction will happen, it will happen to me.  I feel bad for my oncologist.)  Anyway, now I like my boobs again.  BUT, that is mostly because my husband likes them.   I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me.  I know I should be proud of my body without anyone else’s opinion making a difference.  I am a feminist, after all, and I know better.  But, having him reassure me that they’re really great even though my whole chest is really scarred has helped me come to terms with it and appreciate my boobs.  Dear ladies everywhere: having a partner who not only loves you but who also helps you love you more is perfectly feminist.

When was the last time you bought a new bra?  I bought a new bra after your shapewear post and it came in the mail today!  It’s not shapewear, but there was a sale on the site I was looking at shapewear on, and, well, these things happen.  I know how that goes, trust me.

Where do you shop for bras?  I used to shop at Nordstrom but now, thanks to you, I mostly shop online.  God bless the internet.

One of Phoenix’s favorite new bras: “Tanzania Stripe” by Bravissimo

What do you look for in a bra?  Right now I’m looking for pretty bras because I’m beginning to realize that they do exist for 34DDs!  I also look for how well it fits.  I’m learning to experiment with non-padded bras.  I never bought push-ups since I really don’t need them, but I really dislike having my nipples show through my clothes.  That’s why I’ve been buying bras with just enough padding to keep that from happening.  I’m still deciding whether I like the non-padded ones, though.  My boobs are really round and don’t really taper so I’m finding that they don’t always fit right in the non-padded bras.  That experimentation is necessary; it takes some figuring out to decide what you like.  There are so many styles available, and not every woman who wears, say, a 36H is going to like the same bra in that size, so we just have to keep trying different things.

What do you look for in a shopping experience?  I’d like shopping experiences not to be stressful.  Stressful shopping experiences are all that I’ve found in the past year or so with all clothing shopping, not just bras.  Shopping online helps that.

Have you been professionally fitted?  If so, when and where?  I was professionally fitted at Nordstrom about a year ago.  I discovered that I had been wearing the wrong bra size (1 band size too big and 2 cup sizes too small) (that is an astoundingly common discovery) for some time.  I finally went there because I had been looking for new bras and nothing was fitting right in what I thought was my size.  So I just decided to go to Nordstrom and figure it out.

Do you have a favorite brand?  Right now, Freya.  But, I’m kind of a newbie in shopping for the correct size in pretty styles so that might change.  Freya was my first favorite brand.  I’ve wavered in my affections since then, but I appreciate that they’re continually trying new styles, colors, and patterns.

“This is Dallas and he insists on being in my lap at all times.”

If you could change anything about bras, what would it be?  I wish the styles weren’t so confusing and that there was more awareness in the US market about larger sizes.  I wish I could just walk into a store and try stuff on rather than ordering things online from the UK.  I hope that’s changing, and that the day is coming when the major American department stores get a better grip on sizing.

What do you love and celebrate about your boobs?  I like that they’re really round and that even though they’re big they don’t really sag.  I hope the non-sagging stays true for a while but since I’m nearing 30 that might not be the case for much longer.  It’s so different for every woman.  Rock on with your bad self, lady.

Do you have a memory of an experience or an event or a day when your underwear made a difference?  Not really.  Though wearing a pretty matched set makes me happier, more confident, and makes me feel sexy.

Any dream underwear/fantasy that you wish you could wear?  Not that I can think of.

What are your thoughts on matching sets?  Love them.  AGREED.

Do you have a lingerie style?  Are you a silk and lace person or a streamlined and simple person or tough-girl person?  What makes you choose the bras you choose?  I don’t think I have a style.  I like silk and lace, but I also like streamlined and simple.  I sometimes like dark, sensual colors, but I also like cute flower prints.  I’m kind of like that in my regular clothing as well.  Some days are pencil skirts and blouses and some days are crazy multi-colored, multi-patterned floor-length dresses.  That’s kind of one of the things I love about lingerie.  Well, clothing in general, but especially lingerie.  It’s nice to give yourself the freedom to play with different identities and different aspects of your personality.  Almost like costumes.

“This is Gobo and he cannot be bothered to move most of the time. Also, he is never impressed by anything.”

So, as you mentioned above, you won the lottery in terms of devastatingly unpredictable illnesses.  Women’s bodies are always in flux anyway, which can be troubling or frustrating even to healthy women, so I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like to go through your treatment and illness on top of that.  We’ve talked in the past about some of your hospital adventures, and I know that there are some, as you say, ramifications of the illness/treatment that will be with you the rest of your life.  Have there been any people, things, or words of advice that have guided you through the experience?  Anything that helped you come to terms with what you were/are going through?  Are there any ways in which your feelings about your body have changed for the better?

I can’t think of any words of advice that have guided me personally.  I have to admit that I’m still pretty pissed at all the changes my body has gone through because of cancer.  It’s hard not to buy into culture/the media’s ideal of beauty even though, because of cancer, I know I’ll never attain it.  It’s really the loss of the possibility of the mainstream beauty ideal that hurts the most.  I just try my best to accept how I am now.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned what to look for in lingerie and clothing to fit and flatter my shape.  Sometimes I want to cover my scars and sometimes it isn’t just a big deal (ever try to find a wedding dress with straps/sleeves/something! that covers your upper chest so your wedding pictures don’t have your scars all in them?!)

So, yeah, coming to terms with it just takes time, telling yourself you’re ok, and having people around you who love you for who you are.  Also, having wonderful lingerie blogs for cup sizes past D helps, too.

How did you pick “Phoenix” as your alter-ego?

I had a professor in college who called me a phoenix when she heard about my cancer struggles. I really liked that image and have adopted it.

One of her favorite phoenix images

Phoenix and are going to talk more at a later date, but I want to thank her for being so open about such a tough topic.  A lot of us have trouble talking about our bodies anyway, even if we’ve been mostly healthy all of our lives.  Your body can sometimes feel outside of your control, but please don’t forget that it’s a part of you.  You aren’t just your body, of course, but you also can’t detach it and leave it behind.  Anything you can do to love it more, whether it’s hearing your partner say he or she loves it, or supporting it in a good bra, or exercising and eating good food, you should keep on doing it. 

Phoenix, last question: in your professional opinion as a librarian, what’s the best book you’ve read recently?

Hmm, that’s a hard one.  I just re-read “The Princess Bride” which is a longtime favorite.  The other two I’ve read recently and really like are Caitlin Moran’s “How To Be A Woman” and Lizz Winstead’s “Lizz Free or Die”.

*     *     *     *     *

If you have any questions for Phoenix, feel free to leave them in the comments, and she or I will respond.  If you are an Awesome Lady who’d like to chat about your underwear, drop me an email at sweetnothingnyc[at]gmail[dot]com.

I went to London you guys!

One of my only touristy photos, taken while being guided ably around the city by Cheryl from Invest In Your Chest

Oh man, it was so great. I seriously loved it. I’d been looking forward to this trip for a long, long time. My last big vacation was 5 years go, I’d never traveled alone, I was turning 30, and London was at the top of my list of travel destinations. While there are lots of reasons, both cultural and personal, that I wanted to visit, let’s be real: I couldn’t wait to check out some of the amazing lingerie in the city. From my beloved Bravissimo to the Agent Provocateur flagship store, I was so excited to go exploring.

Did I take lots of pictures of what I saw? Reader, I did not. I was The Worst at taking pictures. Maybe if I’d been traveling with other people I would have been better about it, but there it is. I’ll share what I have, and then I’ll use my awe-inspiring words to try to paint a picture.  I split most of my shopping over two days, with lots of sight-seeing in between, so here’s a rundown of what I saw in parts:

Part I: I thought it would be really smart to go shopping the same day I landed in London after an overnight flight. It…wasn’t.

Harrods- Like most of Harrods, the lingerie selection is very, very luxe. There’s an in-store Agent Provocateur boutique, and I also spotted some beautiful styles from Myla, Princesse Tam-Tam, and the achingly gorgeous Jenny Packham. In the more moderately-priced section I saw some lovely styles from department store favorites like Chantelle, Fantasie, and Fauve (RIP), as well as a nice selection of styles from Maison Lejaby’s Elixir and Couture ranges (though most styles stopped at an E or F cup).

Selfridges- Hey look, Sweets remembered to take a picture!

Bathing beauties on this adorable bra by Princesse Tam-Tam (appropriately named Naïades)

While Selfridges stocks its fair share of fancy-pants, er, underpants, like Lejaby, Chantelle, Mimi Holliday, and Princesse Tam-Tam, I also saw a good selection of some of the more popular full-bust brands like Claudette, Freya, and Fantasie. Just for kicks I tried on some familiar styles like the strapless Freya Deco, the Mimi Holliday Bisou Bisou, and Claudette Dessous. The staff was helpful without being aggressive, and the fitting rooms were spacious and flatteringly lit. A very pleasant experience!

Debenhams- With much more accessible pricing than most of the other shops I visited and a large selection of D+ styles, I spent way more time in Debenhams than I’d anticipated. I was able to try on styles from Freya, Fantasie, Curvy Kate, Panache, and Cleo, and lovely as they were, I was most interested in trying on Debenhams’ in-house D+ brand, Gorgeous. Most styles are available up to a G-cup with an increasing number up to an H-cup or J-cup, and I saw a huge range of styles: from cotton t-shirt bras to elegant bridal sets to classic three-part seamed bras to sports bras and maternity bras. I even tried on a padded plunge bra that I actually liked! I almost bought a set, but I wasn’t crazy about the fabric used for the briefs– the lower price point is partially thanks to some lower-quality materials, and I eventually decided I’d rather save money in case something a little more special caught my eye. My only disappointment was the discovery that the sizing and fit were all over the map, varying from style to style and color to color, which will probably keep me from ordering online in the future. Nevertheless, if you’re in the UK, check it out! We definitely don’t have a department store in the States doing anything like this.

Bravissimo- “So Sweets, discovering Bravissimo literally changed your life. This blog would not exist if you had not stumbled across Bravissimo during some Google searches back in 2008. You wear their bras, you sing their praises. Did the shopping experience measure up?”

Um.

Look, y’all, I probably should not have gone in during my first day in London after 8 hours on an airplane and a series of arguments with multiple cash machines at the end of a long day of walking and walking and more walking. I had marked all of the lingerie shops I wanted to visit on various maps, but it wasn’t until I was on my way to Debenhams that I realized how close I was to Bravissimo’s Oxford Circus store. So I decided to dash in for a quick fitting before a dinner meeting.

Unfortunately the store is currently undergoing renovation, so I felt a little self-conscious about browsing all the styles from Pepperberry on display in the midst of the construction materials (which I’m now kicking myself for– I wish I’d tried on some of the shirts and blazers and coats). Instead I headed downstairs to the waiting area, passing some beautiful new Bravissimo styles on display, to make an appointment for a fitting. I never know quite how to explain how much I know about bra fitting, as it’s awkward to stand there and feign ignorance while a helpful fitter explains to me that the band is the most important part, it should be nice and firm, etc. etc., but in this case I decided to feign ignorance and get the full Bravissimo experience. The fitter (who was very lovely) asked me how old my bra was, and when she learned it was three weeks old, proceeded to tell me that the fit was all wrong. She then brought me bras one band size smaller than I was wearing and three full cup sizes bigger.

I’ll be honest, I felt totally bewildered in the moment. Logically, of course, she didn’t do anything wrong. For example, my band WAS a little loose, but A) I’ve been losing weight and B) I prefer a band that isn’t super snug anyway. My underbust currently measures an odd number in inches, and I tend to choose bands one number up rather than one number down (for more information on bra sizes, check out On Sizing). Similarly, my cup WAS a little small, because I’d bought this particular bra to see me through the next 5-10 pounds of weight loss. Furthermore, Bravissimo’s own brand bras tend to run loose in the band and small in the cup, so since she only fitted me in Bravissimo bras, it makes sense that the sizes she brought me were different than those I wear in, say, Panache or Freya.

But I was genuinely rattled to see the cup sizes she was bringing me to try on, and I admit my body image took a bit of hit that afternoon. It’s silly, of course: our bodies are more than the size on a garment tag, and applying a value judgment to one size over another isn’t really healthy or helpful. But I WANTED very much to wear size X, because there are so, so, SO many more options at size X. I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds since February, and I wanted to see that reflected dramatically in my bra sizes. I’ve been working so hard; I wanted to have more options available to me to show for it. In my disappointment I panicked, and instead of asking to try on some of the beautiful sets I’d passed on the way in, I opted for a plain black wire-free sports bra.

The next day, with some sleep under my belt and my internal clock in the right time zone, I was able to think back on my fitting with a little less knee-jerk self-criticism. Did the Bravissimo fitter do a good job? Absolutely! But if I’ve learned anything from my experiences fitting other women, it’s that what makes a good fit is very, very subjective. There are steps a fitter can take to solve issues of discomfort or style preference, but there is no hard-and-fast rule about who should wear what and how. The thing is, I just don’t wear my bras as tightly as my fitter suggested. I’ve tried in the past, and I can’t get comfortable. I’ve since heard that it’s a little bit of a cultural difference– UK fitters tend to fit more firmly, and Bravissimo tends to fit VERY firmly. While I liked the way the Bravissimo bra looked and felt, if I wore my bras that tight every day I’d feel self-conscious in my clothes and uncomfortable sitting at my desk for 8 hours/day. When I got back to New York and tried my bras on with a more critical eye, there were some that I had to admit it was time to say good-bye to, as the bands weren’t doing anything for me, but otherwise I was very happy with my lingerie wardrobe.

I’m really glad I had that experience though, because it was another reminder to me, when I’m fitting a client, that “sticker shock” when it comes to bra sizes can be very alarming or even upsetting for some people. We’re taught in popular culture that “Double-D Boobs” are gigantic or over-inflated, or that big boobs carry “meaning”– that they signify promiscuity or sloth or a lack of intelligence or whatever quality we’ve decided to enlist to shame women about their bodies. So when women hear “F-cup” or “HH-cup” or “K-cup”, and they’ve never encountered it before, it’s no wonder that they might leave a bra fitting feeling rattled or shocked.

Finally, it was also a good reminder to tell your fitter if you have strongly-held preferences, or if there are particular styles you really want to try. I wish, in retrospect, that I’d made it clearer that I preferred a looser band than the ones my fitter brought me, or that I was in the midst of some size changes, or that I really wanted to try some of the pretty lacy styles I passed on my way downstairs instead of basic black and white bras. A bra fitting can be a vulnerable situation for lots of people, so it’s totally okay if you feel self-conscious or uneasy, but let’s all commit to a combination of trying things outside of our comfort zones, while still listening to our feelings.

Intermission!

In which I spent a few days thinking and talking about lingerie without actually shopping for it.  I also saw palaces and horses and museums and bridges and a play, and everything was awesome. Oh and the British Library which is THE BEST and I could have spent DAYS in there and y’all should all go see the Gothic Imagination exhibition that’s on right now it’s fantastic.

Kiss Me Deadly’s “Day Corset”: an underbust corset that features a zipper and stretch panels in addition to lacing and non-stretch panels. You’ll still get some waist reduction, but it offers a little more flexibility, especially if you’re not used to a traditional boned corset.

I had a delicious lunch with Catherine of Kiss Me Deadly and tried on a sample of the new day corset, I saw a ballet at the Royal Opera House and had tea with Leanna of Harlow & Fox, and I met the lovely Cheryl from Invest in Your Chest and Georgina from Fuller Figure Fuller Bust, and we ate sushi that arrived via conveyor belt and it was my most favoritest thing. It was a fun couple of days, basically.

The lovely Leanna, designer and creator of Harlow & Fox

Part II:

In which I meet up with Leanna, again, and also with Angela Friedman, and we go shopping together!

Rigby & Peller- I knew that Rigby & Peller was “by appointment to her Majesty the Queen” and had been recommended by Caitlin Moran in How To Be A Woman, and for those reasons I had formed an impression of reputable French brands, excellent fit standards, and mid-to-high prices. If I’ll be honest, I anticipated stuffy and boring. Some of my expectations were met: this isn’t where you go to pick up a strappy cage bra or a hot pink babydoll, or where you go to hunt for a bargain, but instead it’s where you go to find Empreinte, Maison Lejaby, Simone Perele, and other classic European lingerie brands. The pieces are beautiful and elegant without being particularly flashy, as is the boutique. We received really helpful service from the store’s fitters, and I picked up this gorgeous Theodora bra from Lejaby in a lovely mermaid-y emerald green.

Wearing Theodora by Maison Lejaby in Rigby & Peller’s dressing rooms. Also wearing one of the gorgeous black silky robes they provide for you to wear while trying pieces on– such a lovely touch!

I really, really love the delicacy of the bra, which somehow manages to be sheer and light while still providing a deep, rounded shape. Check out the almost Art Nouveau look of the lace and embroidery– just stunning! The matching knickers weren’t in stock in my size, otherwise I might have caved and bought them too.

Petits Bisous- Petits Bisous is one of Harlow & Fox’s stockists, so naturally we wanted to stop in to see the shop. We were greeted with glasses of champagne and encouraged to browse to our hearts’ content.

A stunning bikini brief by Steph Aman, one of my new favorite designers, at Petits Bisous.

Where Rigby & Peller is sedate, Petits Bisous is gloriously decadent. I lost my heart to a few pairs of embellished Bebaroque stockings, and Angela tried on some beautiful sets from Chantal Thomass and Fleur of England. We marveled over Bordelle waspies and Lascivious garter belts and Jane Woolrich dressing gowns. While the stock is lush and gorgeous, of course, we all fell rapturously in love with the dressing rooms. I wanted to live in them forever.

In one of the dressing rooms at Petits Bisous, seated in my new favorite piece of furniture.

Agent Provocateur- While the boutique staff wasn’t quite as cheerful or welcoming as the assistants in the New York boutiques, it was a real treat to see the brand new A/W 2014 collections in person, both for Agent Provocateur’s main lines as well as the ultra-luxe Soiree collection (The Lingerie Addict has featured this season’s lookbook images). Before I left for my trip I was honestly starting to feel a little blase and burned-out about a lot of lingerie from “big name” brands and designers. It became really easy for me to scroll lazily through my social media feeds, letting every image blur into the next, without taking the time to really look at what was going on.

From Agent Provocateur’s A/W14 Soiree collection. That glittering trim encasing the underwire? Metallic stretch leather.

At the end of the day, pictures can only tell you so much about a garment. Really good lookbook images will tell you a story, or suggest a mood, or conjure a fantasy, but sometimes it can be hard to get a sense of what the piece will look like in real life. Had I seen the AP lookbook images before I saw the collection, I might have shrugged and said “eh, same old same old” and scrolled to the next thing. Instead I got to see the collection in person, and WOW– it made a huge difference. Stretch metallic leather, fine eyelash lace, deeply saturated colors, soft silk– I saw something that made me gasp everywhere I turned. I think we all know this, of course, but it was a good reminder: lingerie really isn’t just about looks. It’s nice when it’s pretty, sure, but part of what I love about it is that it can be a tactile, sensory experience. Seeing so much wonderful lingerie in person during my trip was a kick in the pants to me to get off my computer and go out and actually LOOK at the things I’m writing about. I’m really fortunate to live in a city with lots of shopping opportunities, and I’m looking forward to using some of my upcoming weekends to explore some of the NYC boutiques I’ve never visited before.

Carine Gilson- I featured some of Carine Gilson’s kimonos in the Lingerie For Lady Detectives post, but in case you need a refresher: silk, lace, and luxury. Carine Gilson isn’t often on my radar, in part because of the whole scrolling-to-the-next-shiny-thing-in-my-feed I mentioned above. On the one hand, Carine Gilson makes incredibly simple, classic lingerie: camisoles, chemises, kimonos, bras, and knickers, all in silk with lace applique. And then you walk into the light, airy boutique with its dramatic chandelier, and you look more closely at the lingerie and your brain explodes. (Did I take any pictures? OF COURSE I DIDN’T ARGH what was I thinking?)

This isn’t the best image, but here is a close-up of the detail on a past-season Carine Gilson set. That lace is cut out by hand by a talented seamstress, and then stitched onto the silk with the tiniest most perfect stitches imaginable. It’s kind of breathtaking.

Every piece of silk is cut out individually. Each piece of lace is cut out separately by hand and placed on the silk and meticulously stitched in place. The hems are impossibly tiny and look like they were stitched by fairies. Every single point of construction is carefully and flawlessly executed, and the garments look just as immaculate on the inside as they do on the outside. The lovely store manager kindly walked us through all of the collections on display, talked about how some clients like to wear pieces as outerwear, and pointed out design elements we might have overlooked in our open-eyed wonder.

The price tags are hefty: a pair of silk tap pants was £300, a floor-length silk kimono with full lace sleeves is over £1500. Yet when we went to a nearby luxury department store and compared what we’d seen at Carine Gilson with the £300 knickers for sale at the high street store, the contrast was startling. Even a well-known brand like La Perla suddenly looks a little cheaper, its factory origins a little more pronounced. I’ve truly never seen anything like these pieces in my life, and if for some reason I ever become ludicrously wealthy because full-bust lingerie blogging brings me fame and glory, I would purchase Carine Gilson lingerie in a heartbeat.

*****

I am so thankful to Leanna, Catherine, Katie, Ros, Cheryl, and Georgina for being so, so phenomenally lovely, friendly, and welcoming. There are parts of London I already miss, and there are so many sights and people and shops I still have yet to see (Playful Promises and What Katie Did and Tallulah and also, like, the interior of Buckingham Palace and whatnot). I am so, so happy I had the chance to take this trip, and I hope it’s sooner than 5 years before I’m able to come back.

Welcome to Day 3 of the Sweet Nothings 3rd Anniversary Giveaways! Be sure to checkout Monday’s Panache giveaway and Tuesday’s Parfait giveaway, too– all giveaways will run through Thursday, May 14.

I’ve mentioned a few times that Sweet Nothings has a no-body-snark policy. Inspired by the Lingerie Addict, this policy means that any dissection, criticism, or other judgmental comments about people’s bodies is not allowed on the blog or on the Sweet Nothings social media channels. There are tons of places where it’s considered acceptable or even encouraged for people to decide which body types are good, healthy, or ideal, and which body types are “allowed” to wear what items of clothing. I don’t truck with that nonsense, so we don’t do it here.

While obviously this is the best website in the entire world and no one need visit any others, the fact remains that while there’s no snark here, it’s more than likely that you’ll encounter it elsewhere as you go about your day, whether it’s in person, on TV, in magazines and newspapers, or, especially, online. We encounter it over and over, so often that it’s easy for the snark to start to seem like fact, and then, more insidiously, for it to become a part of our thought patterns, including the way we think about ourselves and our bodies.

So how do you create your own counter-programming? I don’t know about you, but when I’m struggling to be body-positive towards myself, nothing feels worse than hopping up and looking in the mirror and going “hey Sweets, your body is beautiful and you’re a radiant angel and you’re terrific and now you feel better!” It doesn’t work like that– I can’t help but feel phony. What I have found works well for me when I start feeling down on myself is to say “oh, hey. Something’s going on, and right now I’m struggling with body-positivity.” That way I’m NOT pretending my feelings aren’t happening, but I’m also not giving voice to negative feelings and mistaking them for fact. Words are powerful; when we write down or give voice to negative thoughts, they take on the weight of truth, even (and especially) when they’re not true. Acknowledging the struggle without speaking the negative words has been one of the best tricks I’ve learned for bringing myself a little peace when I’m feeling down.

The next step, of course, is to seek out positive reinforcement that feels genuine and unforced. And that’s where today’s giveaway comes into play: I’m delighted to introduce Inner Truth Panties by Chicken Eye Designs.

First of all, these cute cotton bikini briefs, available in sizes Small-2X, are incredibly comfortable to wear. Y’all know I’m picky about bikini briefs that feel like they’re going to fall off, and these are GREAT– a classic bikini cut that’s still comfortable and wearable. Secondly, as creator Joy says on her website, “InnerTruth Panties aim to help women take back their body image, self confidence and inner voices by incorporating positive messages into their lives – including into their underwear.” How? Each pair features a message embroidered on the front that can be read when seen in the mirror or when getting dressed and undressed. The messages are ones of empowerment, healing, and affirmation. Some of my favorites:

• A small step is still a step
• I define who I am
• What I say matters
• I deserve happiness
• I will be healed
• I am fucking awesome

Joy offered me a pair of my own to try, and I chose “I like who I am” for my message. Again, I was a little worried about feeling like a doofus looking in the mirror and seeing an affirmation on my underwear, but you know what? I really dig it. I also really like that the message redirects my thoughts away from what I look like and back towards who I AM. Underwear can’t cure all that ails us, of course, but we can at least have a voice for positivity looking back at us when we look in the mirror.

THE PRIZE:

One winner will be selected at random through Rafflecopter, and the winner will be eligible to pick one pair of Inner Truth Panties with a message of their choice.

TO ENTER:

1. Please leave a comment on this post sharing one thing you like to tell yourself (or a friend!) if you (or they!) are feeling down. (This is the only required entry.) Please note that if you’re a new visitor to Sweet Nothings your comment will go to my moderation queue before it appears on the blog. Don’t worry! I’ll be monitoring these and will approve them as fast as I possibly can.
2. For extra chances to win, you can follow Sweet Nothings and Chicken Eye Designs on Facebook and Twitter and share a tweet about the giveaway. Please note these entries are NOT required; you can use them to boost your chances of winning.

Entrants must use the Rafflecopter widget at the bottom of the post so their entries can be accurately counted and checked. Not using the Rafflecopter widget means your entries are not validated. Remember to leave a valid email address that you have access to and check regularly, as you’ll be contacted via email if you win. Please note that giveaway accounts (i.e. social media accounts dedicated solely to sweepstakes entries and giveaways) are ineligible to win.

Terms and Conditions:  Entering this giveaway indicates an acceptance of all terms and conditions. Neither Sweet Nothings nor Chicken Eye Designs/Inner Truth Panties can be held responsible for failure to follow the guidelines given in this blog post. Facebook, Twitter, and Rafflecopter are unaffiliated with this giveaway. Persons working for Sweet Nothings and Chicken Eye Designs/Inner Truth Panties, as well as their immediate family members, are ineligible to enter or win.

More fine print:

• This giveaway is open to USA-BASED READERS ONLY. Don’t worry, international friends, worldwide giveaways launch tomorrow!
• This giveaway is sponsored solely by Chicken Eye Designs/Inner Truth Panties.
• Winner may select their prize from one of the Inner Truth Panties’ three main collections, or they may request a custom message.
• This prize is non-transferrable and may not be exchanged for cash.
• The contest will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on Thursday, May 14, 2015.
• I will announce the winner on Friday, May 15, 2015. If I have not heard from the winner within 72 hours of the drawing, another winner will be selected.
• Once the winner claims their prize, I will coordinate delivery of the prize with Inner Truth Panties.

Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

This is a ranty post, but bear with me.

I’ve recently noticed an uptick in comments surrounding bra fit and bra sizing discussions that, frankly, suck. Briefly: I’ve heard more and more people on the extreme ends of the sizing spectrum (both very small bra sizes and very large or full bra sizes) offer up their opinion that someone more towards the middle of the size range isn’t “really” full-bust, small-bust, plus-size, petite, etc. etc.

Here’s my take:

I am, at 5’10”, a tall woman by most American standards. I regularly face fit issues with pants, jeans, and trousers that aren’t cut to fit my long legs. Therefore, I look for pants that are described by the manufacturer as “tall”, “long”, or “extra long” because without those labels, I have to assume that the “regular” pants will not be long enough in either the inseam or leg length. A woman who is 6’3″ is demonstrably taller than I am. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need tall pants. I do. I am not the tallest, but I am still tall.

I am currently wearing bras in the 34G/GG to 32GG/H size range, which makes me a fairly busty woman by most American standards. I regularly face fit issues with dresses, tops, and blouses that aren’t cut to accommodate a full bust. Therefore, I look for bras described by the manufacturer as “full-bust” because without that label I have to assume that a “regular” or “core” brand will not make a size with a small enough band + big enough cup. A woman who wears a 38J is demonstrably fuller-busted than I am. This doesn’t mean that I don’t need full-bust bras. I do. I am not the bustiest, but I am still busty.

I have worn bigger sizes than I currently wear, and I have worn sizes smaller than I currently wear. While many of my fit issues, shopping struggles, and support needs were magnified when I wore larger sizes, that in no way changes the fact that when I wore a 32F I still had blouses that wouldn’t button, and that I struggled to find bras that suited my shape, size, style, and price point. While there are more brands that make 32F than 32H (especially in recent years), I can assure you that when I wore a 32F I absolutely considered myself a full-bust person. Therefore I look HIGHLY askance at people who have begun to suggest that brands in the D-G or DD-GG size range aren’t “really” full-bust; they’re “average”, and as such, D-G and DD-GG brands “shouldn’t” call themselves full-bust.

I can’t help but find this really, fundamentally silly. Because D-G sizes are more common, full-bust brands shouldn’t make them? What? Maybe (and it’s a big maybe, as there’s no reliable way to get the necessary data to determine this) the “average” American woman wears a cup size in the DD-G range, and as such “core-size” brands like Victoria’s Secret, Aerie, et al. “should” be making those sizes, which would change the definition of “full-bust” from D-G to G+, meaning that a much smaller group of brands would remain “full-bust” brands. This is A) confusing and B) impractical. Even if it’s the case that more women wear D-G bra sizes than mainstream fashion brands realize, the fact remains that even a DD or E-cup bra requires patterns, machines, skills, and specialized components to assemble that A-D-cup bras don’t require. Just telling a brand “hey, your ‘average’ should really be bigger, so you should make more sizes and then relabel” doesn’t magically mean that the brand in question will be able to do that, either from a financial, stylistic, or technical point of view.

Furthermore, D-G brands are already specialized. It is harder to design E cups, F, cups, FF cups, etc., than it is to design C cups. It’s harder to get stores to stock them, and it’s harder to educate consumers about them. We need a label there so we, as consumers, know “hey, that brand knows what’s going on– they will give me the shape and support I need in a way that, say, Calvin Klein, cannot.” Full-bust happens to be that label. Just because it encompasses a lot of sizes (including the ones past the narrower D-G range) doesn’t mean the label isn’t accurate, and it doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. Are there full-bust brands that don’t fit me, a full-bust woman? Of course! Does that mean that someone they DO fit isn’t a full-bust woman? Of course not.

In a similar vein, I’ve been reading some comments that only certain size groups should count as “small-bust”, namely, the very smallest band/cup size combination. This is akin to suggesting that only the fullest band/cup size (or the smallest band + fullest cup) combinations should count as “full-bust”. No one will deny that those who wear 28-30 band sizes and AA-B cups face a retail landscape with an extremely limited number of available styles, nor will they deny that small-bust bra wearers experience their own unique fit issues and precise construction preferences. This doesn’t mean, however, that someone who wears a 36B, or (even especially) a 44B doesn’t also encounter fit issues related to their small bust. 30B is smaller than 44B, but that doesn’t mean that a person who wears 44B can’t consider themselves small-bust, and it certainly doesn’t mean that that person’s fit issues and struggles should be discounted.

Cup sizes are relative, not absolute. Even when coupled to a band size they can only describe so much about a person’s body. I know two women who both wear a size 32E, and yet one identifies as small-bust/average and another identifies as full-bust. They can both wear some full-bust brands; they can both wear some core-size brands. The distinction, therefore, is determined solely by the woman wearing the bra.

Cup sizes are not a competition. Attempting to dictate which cup sizes “count” veers perilously close to body snark, and it’s dismissive of each individual’s experience with their body. While I acknowledge that I’ve had an easier time with bras and clothes in the last year since going down a few sizes, and that by extension there are certainly some full-bust women who have an easier time of it than others, I can’t get behind silencing people who struggle less than I do.

I have zero interest in policing size categories. If you wear bras made by a full-bust brand, and you think of yourself as a full-bust person, then ta-da! You are “really” full-bust. Think of yourself as more petite or small-bust? That’s also a decision you get to make: you are “really” small-bust. Just because you might not face the same challenges as someone at the extreme ends of the size range doesn’t mean your boobs and your experiences with them are invalid.

[This post talks about weight loss, body image, and public reactions to weight and weight loss. Please feel free to skip if you need to!]

So this month there’s been an odd uptick in the number of people who commented on my body at the office. My direct supervisor, two of my closest colleagues, and two colleagues who work on different floors and don’t see me all that often all, unprompted, offered comments like:

“Are you still running? I can really tell!”
“Good for you!”
“You’re looking so skinny!”
“Are you wearing stockings? Your legs are so perfect! There’s no scars or smudges or anything! You’re so pale! You’re perfect!”
“Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight.”
“What’s your secret?  You look so thin!”

And I never know how to respond (although the lady who was obsessed with my legs then took it to a VERY weird place re: my paleness, so I just gritted my teeth and said nothing). Like, first of all, why should I have to respond? Why are women expected to mercilessly dissect their own bodies, analyze their eating habits in public, and self-flagellate if their arms aren’t toned or whatever? It’s really weird you guys. Conversations about weight, diets, and eating/exercise habits never EVER bring joy to anyone (seriously, no one wins in these conversations), yet I have been around them daily for most of my life. It’s also weird that I feel weird about responding to what is, in my coworkers’ minds, a compliment. So take the most boring topic of conversation ever, add someone with insecurities and hangups about said boring topic of conversation, and then said conversation becomes awkward as hell.

When I hear comments like the ones from my co-workers, these are the thoughts that run through my head:

“They mean that as a compliment, say thank you.”
“But no, why is it a compliment, why is skinny good, and does that mean I looked bad before?”
“Just say thank you and move on.”
“WAIT, a year ago was I just blithely walking around while everyone was secretly thinking I looked terrible and they didn’t tell me?”
“Oh god, if I only look good now, I better keep hustling to keep the weight off.”
“Oh god, what if I gain it back?”
“I think I looked GREAT last year, fuck these people.”
“My appearance is not the most important part of me, goddammit.”
“If I confess I’ve been actively trying to lose weight, will someone think that I’m not body-positive anymore?”
“They’re still waiting for a response, make your face look normal and say something.”
“I’ve totally lost weight and gained it back before, and if I do it again this time, will they think I look bad again? That I’m weak and have no willpower and that I’m gross and lazy?”
“Dude, you still haven’t said anything and they are waiting for a response you are such a weirdo!”

*****

I don’t weigh myself. I can’t do it. I’ve been instructed at various points in my life to chart my body’s measurements, keep food diaries, weigh myself daily/weekly/monthly, use numbers as goals, and it always, ALWAYS makes me miserable and anxious, and it triggers unhealthy eating and exercise habits in response. So about five years ago I said “nope, I’m not doing this anymore.” I get weighed once a year at my office’s annual health screenings, because if I go to one of those I get a flu shot and a few extra bucks in my paycheck. At my annual physicals I ask the nurse and doctor not to tell me my weight, and they are, thankfully, respectful of that.

So I don’t know what I weigh today, but as of October 2014 I’d lost 29 pounds since October 2013. I might have lost a few more since then, I might have gained a few more, I’m not sure, but based on how my clothes are fitting, I suspect I’ve maintained the weight loss through the holidays and into the Spring.

April 2014. Photo: Kate Ignatowski.

This weight loss was intentional. It was the result of a deliberate decision and a lot of hard, boring, hard, boring, hard work, and I am fortunate to be able-bodied and healthy enough that I could make that decision and undertake that work. In late 2013 I started having trouble finding clothes. Well, more trouble than usual– I’ve always had limited options. My shoulders and back had broadened from pole dancing, and after a couple of years of living alone for the first time in my life I’d slid into some unhealthy eating habits. Stuck between misses and plus sizes, feeling unprofessionally dressed at work, and finding my lingerie options suddenly more and more limited, I began to want to make some changes. I felt uncomfortable sitting in seats on public transit, I felt uncomfortable trying to reach certain yoga poses, and I felt uncomfortable trying to learn new pole tricks. I even felt uncomfortable trying to fall asleep at night. I practiced self-care and tried to think and speak of my body with respect and love, but I also acknowledged that, physically, I just didn’t feel good.

I also turned 30 in 2014, and both sides of my family boast some pretty not-good hereditary health issues, including heart disease. While my bloodwork, blood pressure, and health checks had always been in the healthy range (thankfully), I decided to take some measures to ensure that they stayed that way. In February of 2014 I used Lent to kick-start some healthier eating and exercise habits, but it wasn’t until I saw the pictures from the Bridal Boudoir shoot from April 2014 that I realized I wanted to make those habits permanent.

Those pictures are lovely: the gorgeous flowers, soft sunlight, elegant lingerie, and professional hair and makeup all made me so excited to have the pictures appear on the blog and on Burnett’s Boards. But the first time I saw them I was, frankly, shocked. The girl in the photos looked happy, and she looked so pretty, but she didn’t look like me. The person I saw in the photos did not match my sense of myself.

*****

So now I try to run 25 miles a week. Sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less, but that’s the goal. I do this at the Planet Fitness in my neighborhood, whose blessed Wi-Fi allows me to watch my CW superhero shows to distract me from how boring and time-consuming running is. I try to eat dessert only once a week, which I’ve been less successful with but overall have managed to stick to. I do yoga a few times a month. I know I should do more to work all the muscles in my body, especially my arms and core, but doing sets and reps makes me angry, so I don’t do them, and I’m pretty okay with that.

April 2015. Photo: Lydia Hudgens.

*****

I have never had a flat stomach with rippling abs. I’ve had slim arms and legs, but my belly and breasts have always been a little full, a little soft. Even so, and even though I still wear larger sizes, if my weight loss has taught me anything, it’s that thin privilege is a very, very real thing. The first day last year when I went into a store and the size 14 zipped up comfortably I almost started crying. It was a FUCKING GIFT– there were CLOTHES IN THE STORES THAT FIT. Clothes that I liked! My god, the clothes that fit were EVERYWHERE! At every budget! I had choices! There were pants and tops and skirts and dresses and jackets and coats and they were all going to zip and the way clothes suddenly became an easy, almost thoughtless thing took my breath away (I mean, easy within reason– pants and sleeves are still too short and shoes are too small, but baby steps). I had to work incredibly, incredibly hard for over a year and take hours out of my days just to reach a size that many people would still consider fat, and I wanted to cry: with relief, sure, but also frustration. We’re told, over and over, that there’s an acceptable size range that all people are supposed to fit in. I had to work so, SO hard just to touch the edge of that size range. Was I still, fundamentally, unacceptable? All that work, and I was still shut out?

Through much of 2013 I thought about my wardrobe with a sense of panic and dread. I tried shopping from some of the great plus size retailers out there, but I struggled to find clothes that felt like “me”. I love love love seeing women wearing their vintage, rockabilly, and retro inspired plus size clothes. They look dishy and gorgeous and happy and stunning. When I tried these styles for myself, I felt like I was wearing a costume. I felt exposed and on display.

*****

I realized that I seem to use my wardrobe to blend in, or even shrink myself. I wear heels on rare occasions, because I’m well over six feet tall in them. I like creating sleek lines instead of volume. I like styles that show off my legs, because they are long and slim, and I use jewelry and other details to draw attention away from my waist. Don’t look here, I say. Look at my face! Look at my mind! Look at my red lipstick! Please don’t say anything about the rest of me please please please.

Because the things people have said about the rest of me over the years have suuucked.

Which brings me around to Plus Sized Wars, which aired in the UK in April, and while I was unable to watch it in the US, and therefore couldn’t cheer on the lovely Georgina from Fuller Figure Fuller Bust, my social feeds filled up with every single sucky thing everyone feels entitled to say to women about their bodies. More than that, people feel an OBLIGATION to say these things to women. It is of moral, life-or-death importance to them that they, as strangers, let women (and it’s always women) who wear plus size clothes and encourage body positivity know exactly why they’re disgusting, wrong, unhealthy, a bad example, unfuckable, hypocritical, drains on social welfare, destroying the country, and worse. Reading those comments reminded me that while all body snark is bad (why, WHY would anything possess you to do tell someone that something was wrong with their body? What the hell?), women who are bigger than some arbitrary standard are the recipients of truly appalling attacks. Yes, discrimination affects men too, but in all the discussion in the wake of the broadcast, I only ever saw people talking about “these girls”, “these ridiculous women”, or “these terrible role models for young girls.” The criticism had a seriously nasty misogynist streak: some people responded to a program that explores the intersection of body positivity, new retail sectors, and shifts in the fashion world with the same dismissive, silencing language women pioneers have faced since, oh, forever: the women in the documentary were called vain, stupid, slutty, greedy, and shallow. People were livid that the women featured wanted cute clothes, yet they would have been equally cruel if the women had worn sweatpants or oversized t-shirts.

I thought losing weight might protect me from similar judgment and evaluation, but apparently even when it’s a little smaller (I’m a big human being), my body is still up for discussion. Having been on the receiving end of comments about both weight loss and weight gain, I don’t for a moment consider “you look so thin” and “you need to put down the burger and exercise” to carry equal judgment: in my personal experience, the former inevitably comes as a compliment (or an expression of envy), the latter is inevitably intended to shame, to hurt, and to dismiss.

SO WHY DO WE ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT WOMEN’S WEIGHT? It’s almost like if we whip everyone up into a frenzy about women’s bodies then we won’t ever have to listen to their thoughts or honor their minds, their talents, their strengths. Why, it’s almost like if we make their weight the thing of primary importance about them, we don’t have to leave any room for those other, less-important things, like, oh, women’s souls.